do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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