Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It's just like the Real World with babies
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
