why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
