So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
