saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
