they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
