i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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