I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
