I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
