you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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