Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
