I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
God, I missed his penis.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
