your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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