Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
