In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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