Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
