I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
