I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
