Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
