dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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