I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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