I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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