I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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