he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
