I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
