I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
