This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
