If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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