Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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