the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
