did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
