I feel great
I just peed on a car
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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