i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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