I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
