I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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