Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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