I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Im part way to drunk.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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