Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
