my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
