the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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