only if we run a train.
done.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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