Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Can you bring me the toilet please
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