Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
