I looked at my own cervix.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
