Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
