Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
