wat bout pragnant strippers??
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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