my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
