if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
