wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
